Part 2 — What Ben Had Been Hiding
“He’s upstairs.”
“Why?”
Arnold hesitated.
“Because he asked us not to contact you.”
I felt as though someone had slapped me.
“Not to contact me?”
He nodded slowly.
“He specifically told us that if you came looking for him, we should—”
He stopped.
“Should what?”
“Give him time.”
I laughed.
It was an ugly, humorless sound.
“Give him time?”
I looked down at the lunch bag in my hand.
The apple pie suddenly seemed ridiculous.
I had spent twenty minutes slicing the apples exactly the way he liked them. I had rewritten my little note twice because the first version sounded too serious.
Now I was standing in the hospital while my husband was apparently hiding from me.
“Arnold,” I whispered, “what is happening?”
His eyes filled again.
“I wish I could tell you.”
“You can.”
“No. I can’t.”
“Why?”
“Because Ben made me promise.”
I stared at him.
“Promise what?”
Arnold looked down the corridor.
Then he lowered his voice.
“That if you came here, I wasn’t supposed to tell you until he was ready.”
“Ready for what?”
Arnold didn’t answer.
And that was when I saw something in his hand.
A small white envelope.
My name was written across the front.
My stomach dropped.
“Is that for me?”
Arnold closed his fingers around it.
“Yes.”
“Why didn’t you give it to me?”
“Because I wasn’t sure I should.”
I held out my hand.
“Give it to me.”
He hesitated.
Then he placed the envelope in my palm.
My fingers were trembling.
I recognized Ben’s handwriting immediately.
I turned the envelope over.
There was no stamp.
No date.
Just three words written on the back.
Please forgive me.
I looked at Arnold.
“What did he do?”
“Nothing.”
“Then why does he need forgiveness?”
Arnold’s face crumpled.
“I don’t know how to say this.”
“Try.”
He took a breath.
“Ben has been coming here after his shifts.”
“I know. He works here.”
“No.”
Arnold shook his head.
“I mean after everyone thinks he’s gone home.”
My mouth went dry.
“How long?”
“Almost a year.”
A year.
The same amount of time Ben had been changing.
The same year he had missed our anniversary.
The same year he had started coming home after midnight.
The same year I had begun wondering whether he still loved me.
“What has he been doing?”
Arnold looked toward the elevators.
“He’s been helping with patients nobody else wants.”
“That doesn’t explain anything.”
“I know.”
“Then explain it.”
Arnold’s eyes lowered.
“He’s been treating them for free.”
I blinked.
“What?”
“People without insurance. People who can’t pay. People who have been turned away by other hospitals.”
I stared at him.
“That sounds like something Ben would do.”
“It is.”
“Then why is everyone acting like he committed a crime?”
Arnold’s silence frightened me more than his words.
Finally, he said,
“Because one of those patients died.”
My fingers tightened around the envelope.
“Who?”
“A little girl.”
The hallway seemed to tilt.
“How old?”
“Seven.”
I closed my eyes.
Seven.
My daughter was eight.
For some reason, that detail hurt more than anything else.
“What happened?”
Arnold shook his head.
“I can’t tell you everything.”
“Why not?”
“Because there’s an investigation.”
I opened my eyes.
“An investigation into Ben?”
“Yes.”
“Was it his fault?”
Arnold looked directly at me.
“No.”
His answer came so quickly that I believed him.
“Then why is he hiding?”
“He isn’t hiding from the investigation.”
Arnold paused.
“He’s hiding from you.”
I felt something inside me break.
“Why?”
“I think he was afraid you would leave him.”
I stared at him.
“Why would I leave him because a patient died?”
“Not because of that.”
“Then because of what?”
Arnold looked at the envelope in my hand.
“Read it.”
I looked down.
My thumb slipped beneath the flap.
Inside was a single folded sheet of paper.
I opened it.
Ben’s handwriting covered both sides.
My hands began shaking before I even read the first sentence.
My love,
If you are reading this, then I wasn’t brave enough to tell you myself.
I stopped.
My eyes blurred.
I wiped them and continued.
You have spent eleven years believing I was working too much because I loved my job more than I loved our family.
That isn’t true.
The truth is much worse.
I stopped breathing.
The next line was written darker, as though Ben had pressed the pen hard against the paper.
For the past eleven months, I have been trying to save someone who cannot be saved.
I read the sentence again.
Then again.
A noise escaped my throat.
“Arnold…”
He stepped closer.
“What does this mean?”
“I don’t know.”
“You do.”
“I swear I don’t.”
I kept reading.
There is a patient upstairs. Her name is Emily.
My heart stopped.
Emily.
That was my daughter’s name.
For one terrible second, I thought—
Then I read the next line.
She is not our Emily.
My knees weakened.
I gripped the edge of the nurses’ station.
Her parents died in a car accident eleven months ago. She survived, but she has a condition that requires treatment almost no hospital will provide without a massive deposit.
I promised her mother before she died that I would not let Emily become another number on a waiting list.
So I started paying for her treatment myself.
Tears blurred the page.
I didn’t tell you because I knew you would sell everything we own to help me. You would do that. I know you.
I pressed the paper against my chest.
“Idiot,” I whispered.
Arnold looked away.
I continued.
But then things became complicated.
Someone discovered what I was doing.
Someone who did not want Emily treated.
I looked up.
“What does that mean?”
Arnold didn’t answer.
“Arnold.”
He looked frightened.
“I think you should finish the letter.”
I looked back down.
If anything happens to me, don’t trust—
The sentence ended there.
Nothing after it.
No name.
No explanation.
Just a blank space.
I turned the page over.
Nothing.
“What happened to the rest?”